How I Learned to Stop Explaining Myself

Every leader eventually learns this: you can’t control the lens people see you through. You can only keep your light steady. This is a story about learning to hold both truth and timing, both light and shadow, and still move forward with honest intent.

Every time I think I understand people, life throws me another human mirror. Lately I’ve been thinking about how two people can experience the same version of me and walk away telling opposite stories. To one, I’m inspiring. To another, I’m intimidating. To one, I’m generous. To another, I’m calculating. Same woman. Same intention. Different lens.

How you view me is about the lens you meet me through. I used to take that personally, like I could fix the reflection if I just explained myself better. If I were clearer, softer, brighter.

But the longer I lead, the more I realize: everyone meets you through their own frequency. Their own history. Their own ache. The light in me hits the prism of them, and refracts. This is true for you, too. Think about it.

Learning This the Hard Way

This isn’t theory. I’ve watched it happen in real time. I once had someone on the team who talked a big game but never quite found their footing. I kept trying to “help” - to hold up the mirror and show what wasn’t working. But truth, I’ve learned, is also like light: the wrong wattage blinds instead of illuminates. So this time, I didn’t push. I let them keep their version of the story and I quietly chose peace.

And it worked. The business kept its rhythm. My energy stayed clean. But later that night, I sat with the guilt. Was that kindness or cowardice? Did I choose grace or avoidance?

The Realization

I think the answer is: both. Every choice has a light and a shadow. Every leader carries both. I can look at the same decision and see two true stories:

• I protected the integrity of the company.

• I avoided an uncomfortable truth.

And both are right. That’s the maddening part of being self-aware, you can see all the angles and still have to pick one.

The Practice I’m Learning

Now, before I move, I ask three questions:

1. Is my intent clean?

2. Will this create more harmony or more distortion?

3. Can I live with how it might be misread?

If yes, I move forward and let people see what they see. Because they will anyway.

What I Know for Sure

People who are aligned will feel me in their light. People who are threatened will feel me in their shadow. The only constant I control is the frequency, my intention. So it makes me think that ultimately the work isn’t about proving I’m good. It’s more about knowing that I am, while understanding that someone else may always see it differently. That’s the paradox of leadership. You can’t control the lens. You can only keep your light steady.

If you’re building something big and human: Don’t waste your energy chasing perception. Hold your light steady. Let people meet you through whatever lens they need. The ones meant to stay will see you clearly in time.

If this resonates, subscribe to Beyond the Bubble Bath — my field notes on leadership, intention, and building a billion-dollar company the world can feel.

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